• Mom: Are you ready to leave
• Me: Yeah, hold on
• 5 minutes later
• Me: Okay, I'm ready
• Mom: Okay, but first I have to curl my hair, walk the dogs, watch Gone With The Wind, read this novel, cook enough food for the entire country of Africa, run a 5k marathon, write out my life story by hand, and take a nap

sergiocushion:

20 ways to survive in a horror movie.

reallyloki:

awky-cocky:

justnithya:

A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.

1. Don’t have sex.

• Seriously
• Abstinence is key.

2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.

• I don’t care how good he says his weed is
• he is cuckoo bananas
• and he wants you dead.

3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.

• There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
• “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”

4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.

• If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
• Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.

5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.

• Someone will always be barefoot
• Or in heels
• Or just plain clumsy
• And will sprain their ankles
• And die.

6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.

• Don’t walk around looking for people
• House of Wax, anyone?

7. Don’t be a hero.

• Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
• Hell, maybe even then.
• I mean.

8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.

• The killer is there.
• Also your dog is dead.

9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.

• The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.

10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.

• Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck

11. Don’t go into the basement.

• They are creepy enough without you dying in one.

12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.

• At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.

13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.

• It is obviously your wisest choice.
• SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.

14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism. 

• Move very very far away
• Because there’s blood on your walls.
• Blood.
• Your
• Walls
• Are 
• Bleeding.

15. Don’t act like a detective.

• Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
• If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
• But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.

16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.

• If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
• Issue. Solved.

17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.

• Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.

18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.

• It is the killer.
• ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
• Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.

19. Don’t take a shower.

• ONLY APPLIES IF:
• It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
• The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music

AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:

20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.

• Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he

oh my shit this is funny.
why did I laugh so hard at ‘also your dog is dead’
and the bleeding walls xD

pretty sure you’re not harry fucking potter.

BLESS THIS POST

kytivafan:

quotelation:

romantically-dysfunctional:

darkmonstermovie:

Something for season 10? It’s time NCIS writers, we’re ready.  

”Show mi casa”

They’re saving on budgets so when he gets a place with Ziva they can go all out.

We haven’t seen Abby’s either.

I LIKE the way you think

• Tony: The vows.
• Ziva: The ring.
• Tony: The kiss.
• Ziva: The ketubah.
• Tony: I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all that.
• Ziva: ... elope?
• Gibbs: Yeah, well, worked for me.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
• -----
• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
• The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
• -----
• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."
• -----
• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
• Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."
• -----
• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
• Witness: "I forget."
• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
• Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
• Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
• Witness: "Forty-five years."
• -----
• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
• Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
• Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
• Witness: "My name is Susan."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
• -----
• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
• -----
• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
• -----
• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
• Witness: "That's me."
• Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
• Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
• Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
• Witness: "None."
• Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
• -----
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
• Witness: "No."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
• Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
• Witness: "Yes sir."
• Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
• -----
• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
• -----
• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."

When something bad happens do you ever just sit there pathetically and say “I wish that didn’t happen”